Perfectionism

I tend to be a huge perfectionist. I think I do okay keeping it out of my personal relationships, but anything where my work will be on display will be stressed over and scrutinized with every waking moment (and many sleeping). This is why I had a rocky social life in college--becoming progressively more reclusive between freshman year and handing in my senior honors thesis--and why I have minor panic attacks every few weeks when I come home from work. It's why I had a series of terrifying nightmares about wedding planning for the entire 18 months that Mike and I were engaged, and possibly why I'm a rather slow reader. Over the years I've attributed this to nagging insecurity, a generally nervous/anxious personality, an acceptable learning style and just plain being up against challenging work. It's also something I've been a little afraid to lose, as it may be the key ingredient to why I did well in college, why I receive good performance reviews at work, and why I felt proud of every last detail of our wedding (one year ago this Saturday? What?). I'm not sure what benefit comes from the slow reading, but I generally feel happy with the results so why question the methods, right?

But today, a friend sent out an email with this quote attached, and it struck a gigantic chord with me. It might have struck several chords in I-IV-V progression, actually. I think this understanding of the narrowing gap between your standards and your ability to produce work commensurate to them is essential to having the best of both worlds: quality results without the ulcer-inducing stress. If I could go through college again now, I would easily be able to produce the level of work I was striving for the entire four years. I think if I had known that then, I would have worked as much but lost less sleep.

Now, I'm not saying that I've driven myself to drink or that I've ever actually had an ulcer due to stress. But there are some nights where I just need Mike to tell me that I'm good at things before I feel I can face everything on my plate for the next day. I look at the current state of the program I run versus where I'd like it to be and it's incredibly daunting. I can't see the progress I've made (personally or professionally) when I think about it, and I think I'm not doing well enough.

So I thought I'd share this attractively-presented quote and extremely self-centered analysis with all of you, in case you're like me and need a little epiphany. Personally, I'll be keeping it near as a reminder for the stressful days. It will come, eventually - just keep trying.