How to Have a Cow
Isn’t the phrase: “When she hears this, she’ll have a cow” a little…odd? Most certainly, it raises a few uncomfortable questions: “How does the shock of the statement induce birth, or for that matter, pregnancy?”, “If the person is already pregnant, was it a cow before or after the statement?”, “If before…WHAT WAS THAT LADY DOING??”, “Is it even a LADY??” Of course, all of these questions (save the very last, obviously—unless we’re discussing seahorses, and that raises even more questions), all these go out the window if we’re talking about cows.
But…cows are extremely boring, nothing phases them…what string of words could possibly be upsetting enough for a cow to suddenly give birth to another cow? That’s even ignoring the impossibility of bovine speech. (“Shut up, cows!! I’m trying to write!” “*MOOOO*”)
Besides, wouldn’t a just-born cow be referred to as a “calf”? Giving birth to a “cow” (the term suggesting that it’s fully-grown) must be very—draining. A human would look as if they were having centuplets.
Now, let’s consider the long-term effects of a humanoid giving birth to a cow, (full-grown or calf, male or female parent factors aside). Is birth control really an option? What would you say at the clinic: “I have an unwanted bovine fetus, can you help me out?” Doing so would inevitably cause more cow births, from the receptionist as well as passersby.
Birthplaces are an issue, too. You can’t exactly go to a hospital. Quiet, understanding midwives are hard to come by, as well. Unless you’re a farmer (which could explain how you got in this whole mess in the first place), how do you explain the sudden presence of a cow in your backyard? Landlords don’t tend to appreciate pets, much less ones who’ll chew the Astroturf and leave pies of a different sort. You couldn’t get rid of it in any way—your ma/paternal instincts wouldn’t allow you to let Baby Bovine go.
Raising Jr. could be decidedly difficult. There’s all those uncomfortable questions (after considerable research, pinching myself, and heated debates with cows about the U.S. monetary system, I’ve reformed my previous position on the existence of Bovine speech):
“Why are my siblings human?”
“Can’t I go to school?”
“Can I go out with Bessie?”
“What’s beef and why is it in your freezer?”
The “Birds & Bees” discussion would be decidedly different.
Now that you understand the consequences and difficulties of having a cow, here’s how (more or less):
First, you’ll need to make the most obnoxious kid in the neighborhood to spend the day with you. Since he’s the town loudmouth, just let him talk and something’s bound to come out eventually.
It’s difficult to actually plan for a cow (deciding you even want one’s a toughie), since the Shocking Statement must be a complete surprise and deeply disturbing. Only the most horrible will do, so be careful what you wish for…
Don’t worry about maternity clothing or Lamaze training. Having a cow causes no enlargement of the midsection, and delivery is almost instantaneous. (If you find that this deeply contradicts my previous statement of looking as if you’re going to have centuplets, go to my continuity website: http://www.toomuchtimeonyourhands.com/pickyandanal.html)
Jr. should appear magically in your arms and nudity is optional. “Eating for two” is not necessary, but a good excuse.
Miscarriages have been known to occur. Generally, this is caused by an insufficiently disturbing remark, such as winning the lottery, or discovering that all of Afghanistan has been turned into Apricot jelly, which isn’t disturbing at all. In this case you should kick Obnoxious Oscar out of your house with the stuffed penguin (donning a mauve tutu and matching turban) resultant of the miscarriage, saying,
“Is that the best you can do, you twit?!” A Bruce Lee-inspired kick is recommended.
If all goes well and you’ve actually lost your job or unknowingly bought a $500K sports car on your Diner’s Club Card, you should have a semi-beautiful cow. Shiny and new are guarantees that simply can’t be made. From here, I suggest investing in some REAL agricultural resources, instead of this load of bull crap (literally).
Remember, if you can’t conceive, it really is your fault.
